Happy Father’s Day to those celebrating. For years this day meant nothing to me. My father died when I was just six years old. I have very few memories of him. What I do know I learned later in life as I was always asking uncles and aunts to tell me more about him. I never knew what his favorite drink was or what he liked to do for hobbies. I remember back when I was in elementary school we would make things for Father’s Day and I always felt weird. Of course I could have made something and given it to my mother since she was doing that job too but I never thought of that.
When my wife and I had our first child in 1989 I remember Priscilla making a huge deal about Father’s Day because it finally meant something to me. We would always plan a special meal, either a cook out or we would get my favorite Chinese Food or whatever I was feeling that day. As the children got older it always seemed like there was always a softball tournament that weekend. We would still try to make it special with a picnic or something after the game.
I vaguely remember a conversation with a colleague when my wife was pregnant with our first child. We were talking about what kind of dad I wanted to be and I remember saying, “I just want to be there for my kids.” My coworker said, “That’s an odd goal” but I reminded her that my father wasn’t there for me after he died and I really felt like there was a huge hole in my life. I just wanted to be there. To be a part of their lives. Looking back I think I accomplished that. I always tried to be there to support whatever they were doing or to coach them in baseball or softball. I also took a turn at basketball and a season coaching soccer even though I knew very little about soccer. This was also before Google and YouTube so I relied heavily on friends that knew the sport better than I did.
I think if I was ever asked what advice I would have for new fathers I would say simply: Be there for them. Show up to the concerts, recitals and games. It’s easy to complain that you’re too busy but kids really notice those things. It’s important to them and you should really make every effort to be there.
While it’s important to be there for the big events, it’s also important to be there for the small things. The first step, the first nightmare, the lost tooth. And, even though it might scare the heck out of you, it’s important to be there during the bad times too. The sicknesses, the break ups, the loss of a friend or being cut from the team. And here’s something it took me a long time to learn: You don’t have to always have the answers. True, sometimes they want you to explain things to them but at other times they just need someone to listen. A shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to how they’re feeling.
Years ago I used to visit a classroom that my cousin taught at every year for Guest Reader events. I always spent a few minutes after I read just talking to the students. I would ask them questions about what they were going to do that summer or how they liked to celebrate the holidays. My cousin would later thank me over and over again and I didn’t understand what the big deal was. That’s when she reminded me that some of these kids had no positive male role model in their lives. I hadn’t thought of that. And how sad is that? It took very little effort on my part to spend some time with them. It made me angry with the men in their lives. Where were the fathers? Why didn’t they step up? What the hell is so much more important that you can’t give your child even a few minutes out of your life?
If you have the opportunity to help a child or to at least listen to them and validate what they are thinking or feeling, please don’t hesitate. True, it’s not your responsibility but if you can do it… why not try? It could make a world of difference to that child.
Happy Father’s Day! Even if you are not a father or if they have grown and gone out on their own, maybe there’s still a chance for you to make a difference.
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