You may know, or you may not know, that I had a stroke several years ago. I consider myself blessed because I didn’t lose my personality and based on how some other people have been affected by their stroke, I’m doing okay. True, I still have some deficiencies and I can’t do many of the things I used to but, for the most part, I’m doing alright.
I’ve mentioned before that I belong to a stroke survivors group on Facebook and some of the stories I read are heartbreaking. Spouses and significant others have just left the stroke survivor because that wasn’t what they signed on for. I do not take it lightly that I have a wonderful partner who has stayed with me and encouraged me to get back to most of what I did before the stroke. Sometimes challenging me and making me work for it and it does not go unappreciated.
That picture above is a meme that was posted on the page. It is so true and I can’t stress it enough.
“Because you have a stroke doesn’t mean your life is over, it’s just different.”
I think the same can be true for a number of health issues.
I will say it again and I keep saying it: no two strokes are alike. Much of it depends on where in the brain your stroke happened, how severe it was and how long it was before you got help. People in the Facebook group often ask, “How long will it be before I can ______ ?” As far as I know there is no hard and fast answer to that question. What happened to me may or may not happen to you.
But your life is not over! It’s just different.
Now if I could get everyone to just accept that.
Recently my son in Virginia hit me up to tell me that one of his in laws had a stroke and he asked if I could reach out to him. I told him I would but I really had no idea what to tell this man. I didn’t know anything about his situation and I’m not going to promise anyone, “Hey! I did this and so can you!” To be honest, I don’t want to say that because I don’t know if it’s true. I basically told him that if there was anything I could do just ask. If he had any questions I would do my best to answer them. I remembered those first few days: They are filled with anger at what you can’t do, exhaustion from doing even the most basic things and … fear.
You’re scared. You don’t know why this happened to you. “Was it something I did? Will I ever get back to the man I was? What if I can’t work again? What if I can’t walk again?”
But your life is not over. It’s just different.
Again, I don’t know what your situation is but, chances are, you can make some adjustments and still find a way to enjoy life. You may have to give up some things but you can discover other interests or hobbies.
For the longest time my culinary skills included grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken nuggets. While I was rehabbing, my daughter, Sarah, suggested I research a new recipe every week and then try to make it. It helped with my fine motor skills and kept my brain working organizing all the ingredients. Plus we used to joke, “Let’s give the stroke guy a butcher knife! What could go wrong?” I’m happy to say I’m now cooking most nights and I’ve gone from a grilled cheese to a nice Fettuccine Alfredo! And after 35 years of cooking, my wife was happy to toss me the apron.
I’ve also gone back to playing golf. Now I don’t play like I used to but I play the best I can. I have lost quite a bit of distance off my drives and most of my shots. When I golf with my sons they may choose to use a 9 iron from where the ball lies but I choose a 7 because I need more club than they do. And 9 holes is about my limit. I no longer have the stamina to play 18. Oh and I’m not allowed to go into a sand trap because of my balance issues. If I do hit it into the sand, one of the boys hits it out for me. That way I don’t run the risk of falling and they get a little extra practice with their sand wedge. For the longest time I was convinced that I couldn’t play anymore but, with a little encouragement from the family, I gave it a try. I don’t think I’m going to win any tournaments soon but at least I can enjoy a few hours on the course with my boys. (I’m not being sexist. The girls think golf is stupid!)
The toughest step though in all of this is the acceptance. You will go through the grieving process just as if a loved one has died. There was death. The way you used to live your life has died. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Denial – “This can’t be true. No! This can’t happen to me!”
Anger – “Damn! Why did this happen to me? Why can’t I put on my own socks??!!”
Bargaining – “God? If you help me totally recover I’ll be a better man.”
Depression – “Why me? No, I don’t want anyone to see me like this. My life sucks now.”
And…. (Hopefully) you reach acceptance. “Okay. It is what it is. What can I do with myself now?”
I know someone, and I’m sure you do too, who will not accept where he is. He insists on struggling with the stairs when there’s an elevator nearby. For the longest time he refused to use a cane even though that would have been a big help.
I get it. There’s a time when you’re embarrassed to be seen like that. You don’t want to give in.
Let me see if I can address this with a story from last year.
My daughter, Sarah, wanted Grammy and Grampy to go to Disney World with her husband and my 4-year-old grandson. When she first proposed this idea I thought, “Oh that’s going to be a lot. I don’t think I can keep up with them. I’ll just slow them down.” She insisted that wouldn’t be an issue. I could use a scooter to get around and if I needed a break I could go back to the hotel and rest.
At first, I didn’t want to have to use a scooter. I was embarrassed. But then I realized… I could stay home and miss this wonderful family time or I could swallow my pride and have a great time. I’m glad to say I went, it was great, and I have wonderful memories. My grandson even loved sneaking rides on my scooter.
If this is you – don’t want to be embarrassed or you think you can’t do anything anymore — why are you punishing yourself because you refuse to adjust your ego? What are you getting out of your stubbornness? And, more importantly, what are you missing out on?
I know I’ve gone longer than I usually do with a Sunday Column but, if you can’t tell, this is something I’m passionate about. Thank you for your patience. I just see so many people who have given up or refuse to take action (whatever you may be able to do) because of their pride. Are you really happy sitting in your house just watching TV every day? Why not make today the day you try?
Catch up on previous Sunday Columns by clicking here.
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