Nights Are Tough

I think nighttime is the hardest part of the day when you’re dealing with stroke rehab. It’s probably the hardest time of the day when you’re dealing with anything now that I think about it.

Whether it’s a stroke, a cardiac issue, a death or a break up….nights are hard.

You’re alone with your thoughts. The rehab and work of the day is done. Your appointments or visits from friends have been completed. You’ve put down the self-help books and signed off your “Motivational” Pinterest board.

It’s just you and your thoughts and your fears or frustrations.

Frustrations because maybe things aren’t going as fast as you’d like or you miss what you used to be able to do. Fear that it may never come back. Fear that if the old you isn’t there anymore then who are you?

We have always defined ourselves by our occupations in this country. When you are introduced at a gathering it’s always, “This is Joe. He’s a banker,” or, “This is Beth, she’s raising two wonderful middle school children.” When illness takes that away you can feel lost for awhile.

I met a tow truck driver this week when I had to call AAA. Fortunately it was a minor repair on our Jeep so I can put off a new car payment for awhile. The man I met was very nice and we talked while he was rigging up the Jeep to be towed. He asked me, “So what do you do for work?” I was stuck for a minute.

My wife tells me I’m “semi-retired.” I don’t like that term because I didn’t ask for this. To me, you work hard for years and then you DECIDE to retire. I had that decision made for me.

I tried to go back on the radio but there were some who didn’t like the way I sounded. I have an occasional stumble with multiple syllables. I miss it every day and I dream about it many nights.

I told the mechanic, (I never did get his name, or can’t remember it if I did) that I did some freelance writing and some cable television work for the city. I’m also happy that I’ll be doing Martha’s Vineyard and Cape Cod football again for a company that’s been wonderful throughout my recovery.

Nights are tough. And it’s hard to explain too.

I know spouses and friends want to help and some want to fix it for us but sometimes you can’t. Sometimes we just need a hug or someone to listen. We’re not asking you to wave a magic wand and make it all better. We’re not asking you to have the secret that will fix everything. We just need to gripe.

Speaking for myself, there are some times that we need to be ticked off. I know that I’m lucky compared to others; I know it could have been worse; I’ve read all about thinking positive and realizing where you are compared to where you were.

But I still don’t like it.

Fortunately, these dark times don’t last. If they do for you or a loved one, please get some help. Call your doctor or a therapist, a minister, or heck….even ME with no degree but lots of life-experience… will try to help if we can.

Just know that those nights can be tough. I usually read mysteries until I can barely keep my eyes open because I don’t want to lay there and think. I’ve written before about those nights when I can’t sleep. It usually happens about once a week or every week-and-a-half. I know the “experts” say you shouldn’t stay in bed, you should get up and read or just move to another room but that’s usually when my back aches and I don’t feel like moving.

I’ve found that counting your blessings or concentrating about a favorite scene, like the beach, can help. You do have blessings to count. Quick: think of three things you are thankful for right now! For me, as of this writing, I would say:

• The sun is out.
• My dog loves me.
• And the Red Sox are fun to watch!

Besides that, my children are happy and healthy and I’ve got way more than three things to be happy about.

So realize that some nights will be difficult. If you are a caregiver, I hope I’ve given you some insight into what’s going on with us.

The sun will come up, or it’ll rain, whatever. But this too shall pass.